Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
