I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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