Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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