I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
