Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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