My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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