I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Randomize
