That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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