i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
