theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
