someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
