If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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