he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
