Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
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