Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Randomize
