At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Randomize
