that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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