I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
