Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
