Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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