I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
