hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
