You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
