This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
