he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize
