i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
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