After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
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