What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
