On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
