Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
