I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
worst night to have a conscience
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
