If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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