I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
