Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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