I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
