I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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