I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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