Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
