hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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