NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
