Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
3pm strippers are depressing
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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