You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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