I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
