I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
