my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
