I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Randomize
