Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
