Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
