I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
