I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
