I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Randomize
